Speed Bathing

  This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I will not be featured as an Olympic athlete in the 2010 Winter Games.  I should be though, because my friends, I could take the Gold in Speed Bathing.

I have been training for 11 years.  Ever since my darling infant baby girl first began going into apoplectic shock the second I stepped foot into the shower, I took up the art of Speed Bathing.  And I'm finding that it's a hard habit to break.

What began as a sanity-saving-get-in-and-get-out-before-that-child-bursts-a-blood-vessel necessity has morphed into a reckless-do-I-really-need-to-shave-those-legs-today race that is fueled primarily by procrastination with a healthy dose of poor planning thrown in for good measure.

I don't tend to leisurely enjoy my toilette.

I intend to.  I really do.  I have purchased fluffy towels, yummy-smelling-soaps, a PVC-free shower curtain liner, decadent shampoos, and expensive razors.  I have my Burt's Bees Royal Jelly Body Lotion strategically positioned on the counter so after my shower I can take a moment and moisturize.  I have my razor blade suction-cupped to the shower stall where it won't get wet.  I even bought the girlie shaving cream.  I go into the shower with all good intentions to pamper, primp, exfoliate, shave, and condition.  That is, I go into the shower with those intentions oh, about once a week.  The problem is that the rest of the week I go into the shower with T minus 31 minutes until I have to: 1. pick up my daughter from school or 2.  be at an appointment that why I didn't just schedule it 15 minutes later I don't know, but that's poor planning for you or 3.  Steve is about to burst a blood vessel because instead of showering (like he thought I was doing) I was reading blogs and/or searching for Google Images, so now I have to get showered, blown dry, and dressed before he finishes eating toast.

Here is how it usually happens: I get home from the gym.  I intend to immediately shower so my back doesn't break out from contact with my sweaty sports bra.  I turn on the water.  The phone rings.  I have to look to see who is calling because it could be my daughter's school and therefore an emergency.  It's Debbie.  Or Chellie.  I decide to talk for a minute while the water heats up.  (These are very interesting women and if you talked to them you wouldn't be able to talk for a minute either, so no judging please).  I realize bathroom is filled with steam.  I feel guilty and turn water off.  I decide to unload/reload dishwasher while chatting, thus being productive.  I fold laundry.  I make beds.  I hang up coats.  I straighten cushions and throw pillows.  Conversation ends.  I really need to shower but look, there is my computer!  I'll just quickly check to see if I have any comments on my blog then I'll take my shower.  Hey, someone commented!  I'll write back so they know I appreciate them.  Oh look, one of the blogs I follow has a new entry. I read.  I follow links.  I find funny youtube video.  I email funny youtube video to friends and family.  I remember I haven't sent any e-cards lately.  I begin perusing e-cards.  I send some out.  Wait, don't I have a new bill in my email?  I read emails.  I pay bills.  I glance at clock on computer: 2:15!!!  I have to pick up my daughter at 2:45!!!  I race upstairs, turn on water while pulling off now-stiff-with-dried-sweat sports bra.  I jump in shower with water still cold.  I shampoo quickly.  No time to rinse and repeat!!  I mash some conditioner around and soap up.  Yes I really need to shave my legs but I don't have time!!!  I dry off.  Yes I really need to moisturize my alligator skin but I don't have time!!!  I blast my hair with a blow dryer while brushing my teeth.  I slap mineral make-up on with one hand while pulling out clean clothes with the other.  I throw on clothes, grab keys, phone, and coat and run out the door with 2 minutes to spare.

Gold medal caliber I tell you, Gold medal...