Seamless underwire shaping for your briefs?

I don't have small breasts. I don't have large breasts. I have probably the most average breasts you can have. Yet shopping for a new bra last week nearly brought me to tears. How could there possibly be this much diversity in size, style, fit, shape, and materials? I remember watching a Seinfeld episode where Mr. Costanza summed the whole thing up as cups in the front, loops in the back. Shouldn't it be that easy??

Bra #1: a party favorite, this bra was soft, feminine, lightly padded (you know how I feel about visible nipples), and reasonably priced. Take it off the hangar and put on the body and bra morphs into itchy lace and falling straps. Bra rejected.

Bra #2: a budget favorite, this bra was basic cotton, no visible seams, lightly padded, and super cheap. Put bra on and see reflection of slightly torpedo shaped sagging breasts and puckering cotton. Bra rejected.

Bra #3: a miracle of engineering this bra promises hidden underwire support, shaping cups and breathable back and sides. Put bra on and try to breathe. Unable to breathe I quickly take bra off. Bra rejected.

Bra #4: a budget buster this bra has seamless cups, no-wire underwire (how can that be??), and comfort straps. Put bra on and notice most of breasts spilling out top of cups. Learn something new: demi-bra = falling out of cups whenever you lean forward. Bra rejected.

Bra #5: old faithful, even down to the aren't-I-too-old-to-be-wearing-this bow in the front, no-nonsense hooks and straps, only availabe in (yawn) white, moderately priced and mass produced. Bra grudgingly accepted because I had to pick up child from school.

I have worn expensive bras from Victoria's Secret and cheap bras from Target. I have purchased special bras to make me feel sexy and industrial strength bras to simply get the job done. I have tried back closures, front closures, sports bras and camisoles. I am not liberated enough (not to mention perky enough) to go bra-less, nor am I ever going to get my boobs "done". I have worn a bra for almost 30 years yet whenever I need a new one the process starts essentially from scratch. I want bra manufacturers to stop messing with their styles. Every time I have found a bra style that I like and that fits me beautifully that company "updates" the line and I have to start the process all over again. My perfect Body by Victoria front close bra: ruined when the Angels line was created. My favorite Bali natural look bra: discontinued in favor of no-wire underwires. The only Champion sports bra I ever found that didn't give me the "wall of boobs" look: updated to have Frankenstein looking seams running through the center of the cups.

A conspiracy? A plot against women? A bit of marketing sleight of hand? Hmmm....all I can say is that I have been able to purchase my husband the EXACT SAME Fruit of the Loom briefs since 1991...